Revel

       How does an entire year fly by so fast? It's insanity. The past 12 months have been a blur of emotions, heartbreaks, new beginnings, fears, tears, sunshine and rain. I have learned so many things about myself. I have learned that I may feel like I'm breaking but I am not breakable. I have learned that being a single mom can truly rock your socks off. I've learned that laughter is essentially the best medicine.  I have learned that humor can get you from A to B like nobody's business. I have learned that my rediscovery of my love for music (it was never really lost but I've fallen in love all over again) has helped me through some of the darkest nights imaginable. I have learned that nothing can ever take the place of my girlfriends and true friendship. I have learned that my family is stronger/more amazing than I EVER realized. I have learned to value every day, every breath, every moment like I never thought I would. I have learned that I am one hilarious, witty and phenomenal young lady (you know it too). I have learned that there's so much more to "religion" than just going to church and shouting "hallelujah"...although those things are good too. I have learned that my little daughters look at me as so much more than just "Mommy". I have learned that being outside is God's way of treating Jessica's case of the blues.
       I am so super stoked for yet another year to be Mommy. Another year to enjoy this amazing place we live in. Another year to laugh, love, sing, dance, cry, smile, hug, kiss, run, drive, enjoy, drink, gaze, be in awe of, another year to LIVE. No complaints in this blog. No single mom/single lady woes in this blog post. My heart is full of nothing but contentment...being where I am, now, here. Cheers to a new year, guys! But first, maybe we should get over this little thing called "Christmas", huh? I have a tendency of getting ahead of myself.

I Choose...Happy.

       Man, it is so easy to get stuck in a funk. It starts with a bad day, or a bad mood, or a bad situation or just merely a bad thought. Those things grow and grow and before you know it, have manifested into this big ugly funk that you absolutely just can not get out of. Lately, I've been stuck in what has seemed like weeks on end of nothing but terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. I've been in a perpetually bad mood, been really down on myself and I've given my little self esteem quite the arse whooping.
      Needless to say, this negativity has started to affect me in the mothering department. It's sad that I had to let it get to that point before I decided to do something about it. My little Cam pointed out that I'm always grumpy and need more patience. Geeze, talk about something that'll get you off your rear and doing something about it. So, yesterday I went for a long run in the woods and it worked a miracle on my soul. Running is a wonderful companion. It helps clear the head, give perspective.
       When I look at my life, I see a lot of things that I could easily use as excuses to be down and out. Loneliness, uncertainty of the future, failure, single parenting (or attempting to at least), beat down ego, did I mention loneliness? But I can also look at my life and find so many MORE things to be thankful for and happy about. Two beautiful, healthy, happy little girls, an amazing family and support group, wonderful, encouraging friends, a bright, hopeful future, the most phenomenal church family, a loving heavenly Father, two legs that I am able to run with...it's endless. So, really, when I compare the list of things to be sad about to the list of things to be happy about...I realize I have absolutely NO ground to stand on when it comes to choosing to be sad. I am infinitely blessed and it's quite absurd to focus on the few negatives.

Supermom?

       We all have our weaknesses, right? I'll admit, I have a few. One of my few is roaches. Spiders? Nah. Snakes? Nah. Extreme heights? Bring it on. Sharks? Psh. A big fat cockroach? I'll wet my pants. Can't stand those creepy, nasty, turd brown, ugly suckers. Bring into the equation having to kill one of those bad boys and I'm like a baby in diapers. That horrible crunch when you have to smoosh it makes me CRINGE. Camille has picked up on this fear of mine and has thus developed her own fear of them. And now that I am the Mommy and Daddy of the house, guess who's responsible for taking care of one that makes an appearance? Oh yes, it's me. Usually, my solution is to scream and run. Or, my favorite, spray and run. A few days later you'll discover the dead devil bug and all is well in the Wyatt/ McGlothin household again. Last night, while Camille was at church, one of these nasty guys made an appearance in my kitchen. Ew, he was big. And he didn't run when he saw me...which left no other option than to kill him. I wanted to spray him but he was on my counter. So, this old scaredy cat grabbed the fly swatter and, yes...I smacked him. I made some kind of ungodly loud noise when the swatter made contact with the beast, so I didn't have to hear that nails on chalkboard crunch. Mission : Accomplished.
       Im sure at this point you're wondering where this is going. Well, when I picked up my Cam from church I told her about the roach. I then told her that I actually killed it and when I say that my child's face lit up like a Christmas tree, I am not exaggerating. She was sooooo proud of her Mama and she said, "Mommy, you can be a good Mommy now! And I can stop hitting Lily!" I didn't understand exactly what that meant until this morning when my sister pointed out that because I overcame one of my weaknesses, Camille was then ready to overcome one of hers. It's easy to forget what an impact I have on my children. I forget that they look to me to learn everything. That's scary, guys! I am so far from perfect, and to think they are learning most of their life lessons from me is beyond terrifying. But this is a journey for all three of us. A journey full of life lessons...and this one began with a fly swatter and a roach.
     


      "Be the superhero your child sees you as."

                                                      Tara Kennedy Kline

Musica

Music: The word music comes from the Greek mousikê (tekhnê) by way of the Latin musica. It is ultimately derived from mousa, the Greek word for muse. In ancient Greece, the word mousike was used to mean any of the arts or sciences governed by the Muses. Later, in Rome, ars musica embraced poetry as well as instrument-oriented music.



   I have always loved music. But it has become even more evident this past year just how much it actually means to me. So, in honor of music, I have listed some of my all time favorites. These particular songs speak to me in a way that I cant describe. Some of them you may think, "I just dont understand what she gets out of that song". Well, thats because ( I believe) our musical preferences are a direct result from our life experiences...what we've endured, what we've seen and most importantly what we've FELT. So, I hope you enjoy some of them as well.

1. Pearl Jam, "Better Man"

2. Goo Goo Dolls, "Black Balloon"

3. Rufus Wainwright, "Hallelujah"

4. The Rolling Stones, "Wild Horses"

5. DMB, "Mercy"

6. Pearl Jam, "Nothingman"

7.The Frames, "Falling Slowly"

8. The Black Crowes, "She Talks to Angels"

9. Shinedown, "45"

10. Lynyrd Skynyrd, "Free Bird"

11. The Smashing Pumpkins, "Disarm"

12. Radiohead, "Paranoid Android"

13. Radiohead, "Creep"

14. Grateful Dead, "Friend of the Devil"

15. A Fine Frenzy, "Almost Lover"

16. The Doors, "Riders on the Storm"

17. The Doors, "The End"

18. George Harrison/The Beatles, "Here Comes the Sun"

19. Violent Femmes, "Gone Daddy Gone"

20. Damien Rice, "Nine Crimes"

Call me crazy...

      Is it possible to hit your mid life crisis at 25? If so then I'm totally there. I'm choosing to contribute it to settling down at such a young age. I mean, come on now and be honest...who wouldn't find themselves in an identity crisis when you go from being an independent homeowner, wife, mother of two who settled down at 18, got married at 20, had two children by the age of 24 to being divorced,moving back in with your parents, losing your husband, losing every sense of who you are by the age of 25? I'm fairly confident any person in my situation would find themselves wondering who the hell they are, where to go next. Honestly it's sad. It's pathetic how lost I am. There are days (stop reading now if you have the slightest belief that I'm a sane individual) that I wake up a completely different person than the day before. IT'S INSANITY, I KNOW. But folks, it's true. I wake up one day wanting to someday be a good old housewife again, raising my kids in the south, being a Susie Home Maker to the next day waking up, wanting to buy a bike, cover myself in tattoos, drive away from this devil town and never look back. Today, I woke up wanting to move my little family to Scotland (this one happens pretty regularly, weird) and live happily ever after on a farm, just me and my girls. If this all makes me crazy then I dare you to have the year I've had and then tell me where you are mentally. As it is though, I wake up every day to two beautiful little girls that know me as "Mommy" and depend on me to be their stability. So, for now, it's good old Tuscaloosa, the insanity of raising two little ones by myself and praying (hoping) that someday, i'll figure out exactly where I do want this life to take me. Speaking of, I promised Chick-Fil-A and Sokol to a very persistent 4 year old, so...this short, crazy blog must come to an end. Some day, Scotland...some day ;)

The Good Life

      I am one thankful woman. I have so many blessings in my life and I want to take a moment to list all of the many things I am thankful for...I am going to list the small to the enormous so, stick with me and feel free to laugh :) Let me insert here that I just got up to use the restroom and when I returned my precious Lily Belle had discovered my coffee and had evenly distributed it all along the couch, which leads me to the first thing I am thankful for:


1. Dark venetian red colored couches on which coffee stains do not show up.

2. My vivacious, feisty, mischievous, scoundrel of a child, Lily Marie and my sweet, obedient and angelic child, Camille Kate.

3. My children's health.

4. Supportive, godly parents.

5. Hilarious, beautiful, full of life, godly (and sometimes annoying) siblings (this includes my phenomenal siblings-in-law...minus the annoying part).

6. Amazing friends who are always there for me. Especially my little gingersnap sidekick who has stuck with me and reminded me how healing laughter is, which leads me to the next one...

7. LAUGHTER (even if it is usually vulgar..many thanks to Pinterest)

8. Coffee, coffee, coffee

9. An insanely fantastic church and church family/small group. They help fill the void of certain missing family members and I am so thankful for the wonderful teachers who are teaching and loving on my children.

10. My little girl's dance parties. Watching those two dance and twirl around the room gives me complete  and utter JOY.

11. Memphis and the family that lives there. I can't describe the feeling of euphoria I get when I am there. I love you, Kings :)

12. A wonderful family legacy.

13. Killians

14. Running (multiply times ten when it's done on a trail in the woods)

15. Rain. When I was a teenager I loathed it because it made my hair "frizzy". As an adult I have learned to love it though... it's refreshing and cleansing.

16. MUSIC. There is always a song and genre that will perfectly fit whatever mood you are in. Music holds a very special place in my heart.

17. My nieces and nephews and each of their unique personalities. Because of Luke's struggle with my oldest niece, I was better equipped to deal with my divorce and the court. And because of my sweet nephew, Liam, and the personality God gave him I was able to completely accept my little Lily who is so much like him.

18. A wonderful, godly man, Mr. Dan Lemley.

19. Road trips.

20. Last but not least, I am thankful for a Father who is, like I've said before, being so patient with me.

Fall

       Something about fall. Something about the crisp, clean, cool air that just refreshes my soul. Maybe it's the year drawing to an end, the anticipation of a new year rolling in (or maybe it's just Bama football). Whatever it is, it feels damn good. And hand in hand with that is this desire to step back, look at my life and prioritize. It's so easy to get caught up in Facebook, in hanging out with my friends (not down playing that, ladies...I thoroughly enjoy and need my girl time), or just in the day to day stress that comes with the single parent territory. So, I deactivated that old FB account, I got rid of a few of those "friends" that don't actually add a single thing to my life (sorry, honesty hurts folks) and I am ready to focus solely on my family and the relationships that deserve my attention. God is patient with me and I can NOT describe how pertinent that is to my life. I was sitting in my small group at church and I realized how much I appreciate every person that was in that room. I understood at that moment what it means to make sure you surround yourself with people who want what is best for you and are willing to help and support you. I am so thankful for the amazing people I have in my life. A week from today I get to go on a Ladies Beach trip with my mother, sister and some of the women from my awesome church family. I can not explain how excited I am about what I KNOW God is going to show and reveal to me. I'm sure there are going to be some nasty, ugly things that He is going to want to me let go of as well but man, I am so ready.
    Next month will be the one year mark since this whole journey started for me and my little girls and I would really appreciate everyone's prayers and positive thoughts for us. I used to think that it would get easier but if we're being completely honest I will admit it has, in all actuality, only gotten harder. But the harder it gets, the stronger I get. And the stronger I get the more capable I am to handle what life wants to throw at me. It's like the bestie said just yesterday...this is only a season in our lives and all seasons come to an end. I look forward to MANY more beautiful, happy seasons :)

P.S. ROLL TIDE!

Hope

      Hope: "the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life". I am trying to rediscover this thing called "hope". It gets hard at times, so many people coming in and out of my life, so many people disappointing me, so many things that fall through. Just when it feels like we have found some stability in our lives someone or something comes along and dead legs the hell out of me and I'm flat on my back. Not gonna lie, it's painful. But I do believe this is where hope intervenes. I feel lost...I pray. I look at my beautiful, smart, healthy, funny, HAPPY babies and I have hope. God is good, ALL the time. Not just when everything is right with my world, not just when I feel content. But when I am miserable, I feel like a I'm drowning, He is good through it all, through my despair and sadness, He is good. Hope. That's what it's all about at this point in my life. I don't have many things to hold onto these days. But I am going to hold onto the hope that reassures me this is just a storm, that when this all blows over my daughters and I are going to be surrounded by immeasurable amounts of sunshine.

Making the Change

      As I've been going through this "rough patch" in my life, I've been making some pretty crappy choices. I look back on the past few months and through the pain, the confusion, the hurt, the betrayal, I realize I've used all those things as an excuse to be reckless. I've thrown caution to the wind and come hell or high water, I have done what Jessica wants to do. I woke up this morning, hung over, head pounding and it hit me...I have hit rock bottom. I have been so afraid to feel, to let my walls down, show any form of weakness and I am EXHAUSTED. I am so broken. My walls came crashing down today, at 6:04 a.m., the floodgates opened. I have always thought of crying as something that strong people do NOT do. And to be honest, I will probably always think that. But today, alone in my car, in a vacant parking lot where no one could see me...it felt damn good. The stored up anger, the bottled up bitterness, the denied brokenness, it came pouring out and I let it. I wish I could say that I now know what to do, that it "cleared my head" and I now have this clear perspective on where to go from here. But sadly, I do not. I am still lost, I am still broken, I am still trying to grasp the fact that I am in this situation. But one thing I do know: the person I've been lately is not the person I want to be.

      I'm not quite sure what happens next, but I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do. It's going to be hard and there are going to be times when I'm going to want to back track but my little girls deserve my best...it's definitely time to start giving them that.

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be 
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie 

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I'm cleanin up my act, little by little
I'm getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be

I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I've got a few old habits left
There's one or two I might need you to help me get
Standin in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you'll see 
There's a diamond under all this dust

I ain't no angel
I still got a still few more dances with the devil
I'm cleanin up my act, little by little
I'm getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be

Letter of Love

My dearest Lily Belle,
     On July 21st, 2011, (exactly one year ago today) your father, Grandmama, Auntie Bethany and I all went to watch big sister Camille at her gymnastics class. At the end of the class your Auntie snapped a family picture of the three Wyatts and jokingly said, "This may be your last family picture before Lily arrives!" And you know what? She was absolutely right :) After the class we headed across the street to Guthries for dinner, and just a short time later (around 7:30 p.m) I started feeling like I might be in labor. I tried to ignore it but your Grandmama and Auntie insisted I go to the hospital. So, still feeling skeptical (and also a little grouchy that I had to leave my food), we hightailed it to the hospital. Around 8:30 that night I was in full blown labor...and baby girl, let me tell ya, those contractions were no joking matter. Your big sissy came by to see me before she went to bed and I can't tell you how ECSTATIC I was when I finally got to tell her, "Your little sister is on her way!!!" I labored all through the night and into the next morning. I was so exhausted and I remember thinking, "This child is so stubborn, I just don't think she's coming." But, lo and behold, at 5:18 a.m. you made your grand debut.
     A kinda fun tradition we've started in our family is guessing the exact due date, weight and height every time someone is having a baby. I predicted you would be here on July 22nd, months before hand. And even though I was only 39 weeks pregnant, two days before you arrived I specifically said, "This baby will be here by Friday, I just know it." Of course, like always, Mama was right ;) I also guessed your exact height and was only off on your weight by two ounces. I knew you, baby girl, before I even met you.
     There are no words to describe how I felt the first time I laid eyes on you. I was in awe and in complete euphoria...here was this miracle that had been growing inside me for the past nine months. This blonde haired, blue eyed, pouty lipped girl belonged to ME. I had waited and longed to hold you for so long and to be able to kiss your soft skin and smell your sweet baby scent...it was magical, almost unreal.
     It's unbelievable how fast time flies by. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that you are turning one. You are such an incredible little person. You are so feisty, strong willed, sassy and FUNNY. Girlfriend, you have one amazing sense of humor. God knew I not only wanted you but that I also needed you.

     Being Mommy to you and your sister is my biggest joy in life. This is what I was created to do...to love you, to nurture you, to teach you. Happy birthday, my sweet gift from God.

Holy Headache

       Oh, motherhood...today I feel as if, to put it simply, you hate me. No, you LOATHE me. Thank you so much for the toilet water mess, and thank you even more for that lack of sleep stunt last night. Should I even bring up the leap off of the high chair, or the dive out of the tub? How about that tumble down the stairs or oh yes, the "pee on mommy" incident. I've heard my name (Mama, not Jessica) called, yelled, screamed and whined out approximately one hundred and seventy three times. And to bring it all home, I had three students who needed tutoring somewhere in the midst of all the madness.The crazy part is that I wouldn't want to be any where else...you can offer me the Bahama's or a million bucks, but if I can't have my insane, crazy, sassy terrible two-some (otherwise known as "my daughters")  then you can forget it. I finally understand what unconditional love looks like and my gosh, I've never seen anything so beautiful.

Walking

My Lily Belle started walking this week. July 10th, at eleven months, that little rascal took two steps. The next day she took two more. In ten days she will be ONE and I can not wrap my head around it. It feels like just yesterday I gave birth to that beautiful blonde babe. Words can not describe how happy I am to be her mother. I know God makes every person unique but I had no idea how true that was until I had her. I thought she would be just like her sister in so many ways, I thought I knew what to expect... Lord have mercy, that baby girl has proved me wrong. And I LOVE every minute of it :)

Pity Party

       I am a writer. Writing is an outlet, a form of expression, a way to somewhat sort through all the thoughts racing around in my head. Sometimes I start a new post, feeling the need to write, but not knowing exactly what I want to write about. This is one of those posts. Let me start by saying life has been giving me a beat down lately, and im trying desperately not to tap out. I feel like every time I write on here it's when I am feeling encouraged, motivated. Today I am discouraged and I am not going to pretend otherwise.
       I didn't sign up for this whole "single mom" thing...it's crap and i'm pissed about it. I don't want to do this alone, I don't want to figure out this intense hell of a ride called parenting by myself. I signed up for the rocking chairs on the front porch when I am 70 years old, I signed up for the years of figuring out life with the love of my life. I realize I sound bitter, but man, it gets hard trying to always seem optimistic.
       I am hopeful, I know my girls and I have a bright future ahead of us. But the now is so hard...it's intense, it's brutal and it's taking its toll on me. People always say you realize your own strength when you're going through something like this...I have to wholeheartedly agree. I have no idea how I pick myself up emotionally, day after day, raise my two children AND keep my sanity all at the same time. It has to be the relentless prayers I send up. Speaking of which, it's time to bring this rant to an end and get ready for church.   Whoever stuck with me through this, thank you. I realize I just threw a pity party for myself but good gosh, I needed it.



                           

Bittersweet

       Life. It's passing me by at the speed of light. My Cam Cam is four and a half and my Lily Belle is almost ONE. Im trying desperately to soak in every aspect of every sweet moment with my girls. Every smile. Every giggle. Every cuddle. Every kiss. Every spontaneous hug Camille gives, or slobbery "sugar" Lily bestows on me. Lately, I haven't been able to get enough of these moments. Like God has given me a renewed appreciation for this time in our lives and I am hell bound on not letting one second go by without reveling in it.
       My friend, Whitney, was visiting with us yesterday and we were talking about how time seems to fly the older you get. I made a statement that it only goes by faster when you're a parent. Long after she left I started wondering why that was so true. Why does every day seem to go by in the blink of an eye?  I turn around and my little ones have grown an inch, are saying new words, discovering new things, always accomplishing a new milestone...it never ends!! The conclusion I came to was this: Before you have children you are watching yourself age. Focused on the new things you are learning, you're so aware of every year that you add to your age. And while this is still true when you're a parent it changes drastically in the fact that you are now watching your children get older.

       I know the word "bittersweet" is used a lot, a bit of a cliche but to me there is no other word that describes what i'm referring to. While yes, we want our children to grow up, mature, become responsible, godly, caring and independent young people, as a parent it's impossible not to reflect on the past. When I look at my Cam it's impossible to not think of the little baby girl with loads of blonde hair and the sweetest demeanor. How can I not remember the way she used to say "num num" when she wanted a snack? Or the way she used to look when she slept? Her little diapered butt up in the air, cuddling her "banket". Or when I look at my Lily, how can I not reflect on the fact that one year ago today she was still all curled up, safely tucked away inside of me, getting ready to say "hello world"? How can I look at that feisty little tow headed babe, crawling around everywhere, scaling the stairs and not get a little sad that just two months ago she was completely dependent on me to get from point A to point B? Bittersweet. One word. But no matter how old my "babies" get they will always be my little girls. Just because they get older doesn't mean they wont need me. Good gosh look at me, I need my mother now more than I ever have. So, I have hope for my future, for my kid's futures. I get to watch two amazing little people blossom, go from babies to children to young ladies and then to women. I need to learn how to sit back, give God control and relax...because we're in for one heck of a ride :)

Acceptance for Dummies

       I am a grown woman. I am the mother to two children. I am half way to fifty. I am an English tutor. Some times I think i'm just full of wisdom, that I have so much to offer those in need and that i've learned sooo much in my lifetime. The harsh truth is that I am so far from wise it's ridiculous. Yes, in my short twenty five years of life I have made many mistakes. I've done a lot of living, done crazy, insane things...some that i've learned from and some that I haven't. But reality has it's way of kicking you in the arse right when you need it to most. And this past week when I road tripped it to South Carolina that's exactly what happened. It's funny though, it didn't happen during our stay but rather on our way home. My sister (the one that lives in Columbia) sent a book with me. Honestly, I wasn't super convinced that I would like it but when you're stuck in the backseat between two car seats (a ten month old in one and a fifteen month old in the other) you are desperate for ANY kind of escape and that's exactly what this book was for me...an escape, an eye opener, a tear jerker, a revelation . The book is called "Bloom" and it's written by the hilarious, witty, wise and amazing blogger, Kelle Hampton. From the first page I was INTRIGUED and I couldn't read fast enough. Just in case you decide to read it I won't give anything away but I will tell you the effect it had on my weary soul. I was like a dying plant desperately trying to absorb water and this book was quenching my thirst. Yes, her battle is quite different than my battle but they are battles none the less. She made me realize that I have to accept the cards I've been dealt...I need to grieve, cry, weep, whatever it is I need to do. I then need to pick myself up, ask God for strength and start the healing process.
       Now, this part is the part I have issues with...what battle is it that i'm referring to? Funny isn't it that I've written blogs that hint at it, that give you an idea of what i'm going through but really I've been skating around the truth. It hurts. It breaks my heart every time I say it but in order for me to begin my healing process I HAVE to talk about it... acknowledge that it IS my life now and there is nothing for me to be ashamed about. Divorce. The death of my dreams, of my future, of what I imagined my life would be. The death of my family, of my marriage.
       Now that it's out there I can tell you the most important thing I've learned from reading Kelle's book. She made me realize that although it feels like a punch to the gut, like my world has been shattered, like some days I just can NOT make it...my life, OUR lives, mine and my girls life together, it is not over. Life will go on. Trials in our life are what shape us, mold us. Hard times, gut wrenching, heart breaking moments in our lives are what we need in order to realize just how strong we really are. I can, I will and I am making it through this. And even more, I will make it though gracefully.

"We may shine, we may shatter,

We may be picking up the pieces here on after.

We are fragile, we are human,

And we are shaped by the light we let through us.

We break fast, cause we are glass"

Good Times

       My best friend's husband had this crazy idea to go camping for Memorial Day...camping wasn't the crazy part, it's the fact that they have three kids and I have two ;) But, we're crazy people so we did it. We loaded 'em up and headed to Tannehill State Park. The kids had a tremendous amount of fun, pretty much acting like hellions (which is allowed if there isn't anything breakable around). The bestie and I stayed up late, talking and sitting around our beautiful self maintained camp fire (meaning Joey built it, we kept finding and adding wood :)). The best part of this whole trip was crawling into my tent that night, cuddling up next to that beautiful little four year old of mine and looking up to see the stars shining through the trees...my gosh, this is a good life we have. Heck, it gets rough at times and by the time we packed up and left I was EXHAUSTED but it's all so worth it. It's like my mother says, when you have children it's like reliving your childhood all over again. You see everything through their eyes and that is a perspective I could never get tired of.

       I am surrounded by amazing friends, wonderful family and endless possibilities. It's scary to me but this summer is all about new beginnings for the Wyatt girls. I can already feel it, it's going to be a summer of healing, a summer of moving on, a summer of making memories that will last a lifetime and a summer of LIVING. Life is an adventure and I have the two most adorable, eager little people to experience it with...I AM BEYOND BLESSED.

Mother's Day

       So, this Mother's Day didn't start like I thought it would. I sat in church, surrounded by other mothers getting loving looks and supportive hugs from their husbands...I never thought that that would be something I would be bothered by, and yet the longer I sat there the more aware I became that I was alone. It was absolutely heartbreaking (Cue in the violin and feelings of self pity). When the service ended (which let me insert here how AMAZING it was, regardless of how I was feeling) I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I high tailed it home, eager to get away from the perfect little families with their perfect little Mother's Day plans.
       Just a short time later, our family sat down for our Mother's Day lunch in honor of our fabulous mother. We ate, talked and gave her her presents and cards and then something happened that I was not expecting...my sweet older brother and his wife gave me a present. And then, again unexpected, my thoughtful older sister also gave me a present. And on top of that, my mother gave me a home made card that my sweet angel, Camille, painted herself. I think at this point you can probably guess what happened. Yep, this Mommy started crying. I was so touched that my family had thought about me. I had kept telling myself, "You know you're a fantastic mother, you do NOT need confirmation from others" and yet this year, this Mother's Day, that's exactly what I needed.

       I am so thankful for a family that is so thoughtful and for a God that knows precisely what I need and when     I need it. HE knew how broken I was feeling, HE knew that I needed some loving reassurance. I wasn't alone at all. God chose ME to be the mother to those two sweet girls...and if there's one thing i've learned in the past year it's that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Happy belated Mother's Day to all of my wonderful mommy friends.

Double the LOVE.

       My little Lily Belle started clapping this morning. And yesterday she started saying "uh oh" and "da-da". She is working on "growing" her third tooth (we expect its grand debut any day now, ouch) and she is so so super close to cruising on the furniture. Every morning when she wakes up she stands in her crib calling out, "Mama!!" until I go in and get her. She loves giving kisses, reading books, pointing and if you ask her who is number one she holds up one finger. All of these achievements make me realize even more just how fast my little ones grow.
       It's crazy to think that that little person crawling around raising cain wasn't even here a year ago. This time last year I was a whale of a woman, miserable, hot, cranky and so ready to meet my newest daughter. This time last year I was only a mother to one, so unaware of just how much my life was about to change. It's only one year later and I am now chasing two rug rats around, my life is so much crazier but it's also so much sweeter. While, yes, it is double the trouble it is also double the hugs, double the cuddles, double the laughs, double the play time, double the kisses and double the L-O-V-E.
       God is good to my little family. It's easy for me to stray these days. I get so stressed with being a single mommy and life tends to be very overwhelming. I go a few days without having my quiet time and I start getting this "I can do this by myself, I don't need any help" perspective on the whole situation. And that may be true...for a very short amount of time. And then it becomes extremely evident that I CANNOT do this on my own. At least not without being completely miserable and a bad mommy. I get back in the word and spend some time in prayer and all the pieces start falling back into place. It's a good thing God is patient with me :)

      I also have to insert here how thankful I am for protection over my sweet family one year ago on April 27th. When that monster of a tornado swept over our city, I was pregnant with our little Lil and as half of our family hid underneath the house and the other half underneath the stairs, I remember praying that God would protect us, that my unborn child would be protected...this past Friday I looked at those two sweet angels of mine and couldn't help but cry, out of appreciation and sheer thankfulness. Every day and every breath is such a blessing.

I had an amazing childhood. How many kids get to say they spent the first seven years of their life in Africa? I got to visit so many different places, meet all kinds of different people, explore and discover amazing things, eat unique food and experience life on a level that many people never have the chance to their entire lives. And then...hello, Alabama. Not to say I don't appreciate our wonderful state but come on now... Zimbabwe and Johannesburg, South Africa vs Tuscaloosa, AL. Sometimes I feel like it can't be the same life, like that little girl full of wonder and passion about "her" people back home has gotten lost, or doesn't exist anymore. I'm just another good old Alabama native, content to stay here and forget about that life I used to have. But then I think about the childhood I want my children to experience NOW and I realize that zest is still there. I want them to never be okay with just staying in one place. I want them to really enjoy this phenomenal place that God created for us. And I don't just mean the surrounding states and the, wait for it, "im gonna get crazy and visit New York!!" kind of adventures. I mean I want them to go sledding in Switzerland like their mommy and Aunties and Uncles. I want them to see the huts that some people actually live in and to realize just how blessed they've been. I want them to go the clinic that their mother was born in, in Harare. I want them to see monkeys covering their car, to have a giraffe lick their window, to have to stop to let a hippo cross the road. I want them to see Victoria Falls and I want them to eat sadza and biltong. I want them to be adventurous and not afraid to try new things. I think if they've got the tiniest bit of McGlothin in them though then I don't have a thing to worry about ;) In a few years, my goal for our first "Wyatt Girl's Adventure" is to take them to Africa (obviously). Our next one after that will be Scotland (gotta see where our roots come from) and then from there maybe Japan or Korea. I want my girls to look back on their childhood and not want to change a thing...for now we'll just have to be okay with the U.S. but like I said, when you're a McGlothin you can make anything an adventure!!

Easter :)

Happy Belated Easter!! Can I just say how fun it was to celebrate Easter with both of my little girls. When Camille was about 18 months I started to realize how badly I wanted her to be a big sister. So, we tried, and nothing happened... we tried for almost 9 months before I finally got pregnant with my sweet Lily Belle. Then, I endured one of the worst pregnancies imaginable ( I distinctly remember feeling like I was dying). But she eventually made her grand entrance into this world, and at three and a half Cam was finally a big sister... on days like yesterday it's such an indescribable feeling to look at that 8 month old and think back on the long road it took to get her here. I often tell her, "I wanted you for so long and now I finally have you." No matter what life may bring, what friends come and go, they will always have each other. My sisters are three of my best friends, they are so dear to me and hold a very special place in my heart. Bethany, Kristin and Gini, I'm so blessed to call you "sisters" and I love you guys immensely. I am so undeserving of all the blessings God has bestowed on me, and I will forever be abundantly thankful for every one of them.

On a totally unrelated note, the girls and I made a last minute road trip to Nashville last weekend and had such a great time visiting with our family there. We spent all day Saturday at the Nash Zoo and then went downtown where we ate at the Hard Rock. Also, quick update on little Lily bug's mobility...crawling is now here!! And pulling up :) It's kinda bittersweet for me. We're now completely out of the infant stage of babyhood and fast approaching toddlerhood (like my made up words?) and her one year birthday :( She's at such a fun age though and I'm desperately trying to enjoy every second of her being a baby because she's going to be walking into her kindergarten class before I know it. Again, I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!!

I started to feel it tonight...that old familiar feeling. I could feel my walls starting to crumble. Those strong walls that life has forced me to put up. The walls that protect me and my children. It was one of those nights that you take a good look at your life and realize you've just been going through the motions, so afraid to feel that you're not even really living. FEAR. It's everywhere: I'm afraid of not being strong enough for my girls. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of being a single mother. I'm afraid of uncertainty. And i've been so preoccupied with keeping those walls up that i've let fear take over every aspect of my life. It's not a good feeling.

I want to take this situation and turn it into something beautiful. Granted, it's not ideal but it's reality...I can take it and show my girls how to be strong, how to handle difficulty with grace and composure. We can't always choose what happens in our lives but we can choose how we react.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

Simple Things

Oh my gosh, it's the simple things that get us through this roller coaster called life. My 7 month old sitting on a blanket in the grass and being completely amazed with nature. My four year old dancing like a mad woman, singing her little made up songs. A starbucks caramel frappucino on those insanely stressful days. A full moon and cool breeze on a gorgeous night. A good run on a back trail through the woods. Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones (and a smart friend who catches things I miss ;)). Watching my girls hug and love on each other. Lily's laughter. Camille's kisses and words of encouragement...it may seem small but "I love you Momma" can carry you through the hardest of times. A stranger telling me how beautiful my little family is. A meaningful message from Pastor Fred that touches a place you didn't even realize needed touching. It's amazing how these seemingly insignificant things are what drive us. I'm just so thankful each and every day for having so many blessings, so many "little" things. Life is such an amazing gift...and I feel so incredibly fortunate to be able to say, in the middle of the biggest trial of my life, how grateful I am for every minute of every day. LIFE IS GOOD. So, so good.

My first born is FOUR. It's so surreal to say that. Since the day she was born life has seemingly flown by, and now here we are, celebrating her fourth birthday and she'll be starting kindergarten next year.

To say i'm proud of my little Camille would be an understatement. She is caring, funny, witty, generous, outgoing, considerate, thoughtful, sassy, strong, smart and so so incredibly beautiful. She's the most wonderful big "sissy" to Lily, always taking care of her and loving on her. She has a huge heart and I am certain she is going to do amazing things in her life. I saw a friend from high school out the other night and was bragging on my kids and when I was talking about Camille she just smiled and said, "I know, she saved your life didn't she?" And while yes, God is really the one responsible for saving me, He definitely used that little girl as the vessel to do so. From the second I saw her, everything changed. My life was no longer about me, it was all about that little life that depended on me. The carefree (careless is probably more accurate) life I had been living was no longer an option. So yes, Kaley, what you said about her saving my life is more accurate than you know. Who knows where I be if that little girl hadn't come into my life and shaken it up the way kids tend to do. I know I didn't deserve such a divine intervention but grace is an amazing thing... and it was nothing short of grace that brought me my Camille. It was God reaching out and saying "You need a reason to change? You want Me to reveal Myself to you? Here." I am so blessed. And i'm reminded of just how blessed I am every time I look at my little girls.

Change is NOT the Only Constant

Cam and I were jumping on the trampoline today and eventually wound up on our backs, staring up at the blue sky, white clouds rolling by, sun shining on our faces. As I looked up I noticed the naked branches from the tree next to us...the promise of spring has brought tiny little green buds to those bare limbs and it got me to the thinking. Life never stays the same. It's constantly changing, constantly moving, constantly switching directions and constantly throwing us curve balls. The Fleetwood Mac song "Landslide" was going through my head, over and over again. I began to think that maybe the saying "change is the only constant in life" may be true after all. But then I looked over at that blonde haired, blue eyed angel lying next to me and as my heart filled with that insanely strong love that a mother knows all too well I realized...heck no, change is NOT the only constant...this, THIS is a constant. This love for my children is constant, it's never changing, it doesn't switch directions, it's unmovable.

Our lives have changed immensely in the past year. Nothing in mine and the girl's world has been constant, everything is different. And I imagine it's not going to stop any time soon, I don't see any promise of it slowing down or giving us a break. But our love is constant. My unconditional love for those little girls and their love for their mommy is an absolute constant. So change, come on with your big bad self. Me and my girls are ready for you.

We're still here!!

Im so so sorry for the ahem, "little", blog break I took. The older Lily Bug has gotten (yes, she's SEVEN freaking months old) and the closer my sweet CamKat has gotten to four (WHAT?!!) the harder and busier life has become. Between the two of those little angels there's not much time to blog. However, I'm making time tonight :)

Life has been hard to say the least lately. I am now adjusting to life as a single mother and as i've found out lately, life doesn't seem to care, much less slow down. But, God is good, I have a wonderful support group, the best friends in the world (a great therapist, ha) and an amazing church family. Not to mention these two PHENOMENAL little munchkins that never fail to put a smile on my face. Life is hard but life is good.