Hope

      Hope: "the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life". I am trying to rediscover this thing called "hope". It gets hard at times, so many people coming in and out of my life, so many people disappointing me, so many things that fall through. Just when it feels like we have found some stability in our lives someone or something comes along and dead legs the hell out of me and I'm flat on my back. Not gonna lie, it's painful. But I do believe this is where hope intervenes. I feel lost...I pray. I look at my beautiful, smart, healthy, funny, HAPPY babies and I have hope. God is good, ALL the time. Not just when everything is right with my world, not just when I feel content. But when I am miserable, I feel like a I'm drowning, He is good through it all, through my despair and sadness, He is good. Hope. That's what it's all about at this point in my life. I don't have many things to hold onto these days. But I am going to hold onto the hope that reassures me this is just a storm, that when this all blows over my daughters and I are going to be surrounded by immeasurable amounts of sunshine.

Making the Change

      As I've been going through this "rough patch" in my life, I've been making some pretty crappy choices. I look back on the past few months and through the pain, the confusion, the hurt, the betrayal, I realize I've used all those things as an excuse to be reckless. I've thrown caution to the wind and come hell or high water, I have done what Jessica wants to do. I woke up this morning, hung over, head pounding and it hit me...I have hit rock bottom. I have been so afraid to feel, to let my walls down, show any form of weakness and I am EXHAUSTED. I am so broken. My walls came crashing down today, at 6:04 a.m., the floodgates opened. I have always thought of crying as something that strong people do NOT do. And to be honest, I will probably always think that. But today, alone in my car, in a vacant parking lot where no one could see me...it felt damn good. The stored up anger, the bottled up bitterness, the denied brokenness, it came pouring out and I let it. I wish I could say that I now know what to do, that it "cleared my head" and I now have this clear perspective on where to go from here. But sadly, I do not. I am still lost, I am still broken, I am still trying to grasp the fact that I am in this situation. But one thing I do know: the person I've been lately is not the person I want to be.

      I'm not quite sure what happens next, but I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do. It's going to be hard and there are going to be times when I'm going to want to back track but my little girls deserve my best...it's definitely time to start giving them that.

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be 
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie 

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I'm cleanin up my act, little by little
I'm getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be

I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I've got a few old habits left
There's one or two I might need you to help me get
Standin in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you'll see 
There's a diamond under all this dust

I ain't no angel
I still got a still few more dances with the devil
I'm cleanin up my act, little by little
I'm getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be