Bittersweet

       Life. It's passing me by at the speed of light. My Cam Cam is four and a half and my Lily Belle is almost ONE. Im trying desperately to soak in every aspect of every sweet moment with my girls. Every smile. Every giggle. Every cuddle. Every kiss. Every spontaneous hug Camille gives, or slobbery "sugar" Lily bestows on me. Lately, I haven't been able to get enough of these moments. Like God has given me a renewed appreciation for this time in our lives and I am hell bound on not letting one second go by without reveling in it.
       My friend, Whitney, was visiting with us yesterday and we were talking about how time seems to fly the older you get. I made a statement that it only goes by faster when you're a parent. Long after she left I started wondering why that was so true. Why does every day seem to go by in the blink of an eye?  I turn around and my little ones have grown an inch, are saying new words, discovering new things, always accomplishing a new milestone...it never ends!! The conclusion I came to was this: Before you have children you are watching yourself age. Focused on the new things you are learning, you're so aware of every year that you add to your age. And while this is still true when you're a parent it changes drastically in the fact that you are now watching your children get older.

       I know the word "bittersweet" is used a lot, a bit of a cliche but to me there is no other word that describes what i'm referring to. While yes, we want our children to grow up, mature, become responsible, godly, caring and independent young people, as a parent it's impossible not to reflect on the past. When I look at my Cam it's impossible to not think of the little baby girl with loads of blonde hair and the sweetest demeanor. How can I not remember the way she used to say "num num" when she wanted a snack? Or the way she used to look when she slept? Her little diapered butt up in the air, cuddling her "banket". Or when I look at my Lily, how can I not reflect on the fact that one year ago today she was still all curled up, safely tucked away inside of me, getting ready to say "hello world"? How can I look at that feisty little tow headed babe, crawling around everywhere, scaling the stairs and not get a little sad that just two months ago she was completely dependent on me to get from point A to point B? Bittersweet. One word. But no matter how old my "babies" get they will always be my little girls. Just because they get older doesn't mean they wont need me. Good gosh look at me, I need my mother now more than I ever have. So, I have hope for my future, for my kid's futures. I get to watch two amazing little people blossom, go from babies to children to young ladies and then to women. I need to learn how to sit back, give God control and relax...because we're in for one heck of a ride :)

Acceptance for Dummies

       I am a grown woman. I am the mother to two children. I am half way to fifty. I am an English tutor. Some times I think i'm just full of wisdom, that I have so much to offer those in need and that i've learned sooo much in my lifetime. The harsh truth is that I am so far from wise it's ridiculous. Yes, in my short twenty five years of life I have made many mistakes. I've done a lot of living, done crazy, insane things...some that i've learned from and some that I haven't. But reality has it's way of kicking you in the arse right when you need it to most. And this past week when I road tripped it to South Carolina that's exactly what happened. It's funny though, it didn't happen during our stay but rather on our way home. My sister (the one that lives in Columbia) sent a book with me. Honestly, I wasn't super convinced that I would like it but when you're stuck in the backseat between two car seats (a ten month old in one and a fifteen month old in the other) you are desperate for ANY kind of escape and that's exactly what this book was for me...an escape, an eye opener, a tear jerker, a revelation . The book is called "Bloom" and it's written by the hilarious, witty, wise and amazing blogger, Kelle Hampton. From the first page I was INTRIGUED and I couldn't read fast enough. Just in case you decide to read it I won't give anything away but I will tell you the effect it had on my weary soul. I was like a dying plant desperately trying to absorb water and this book was quenching my thirst. Yes, her battle is quite different than my battle but they are battles none the less. She made me realize that I have to accept the cards I've been dealt...I need to grieve, cry, weep, whatever it is I need to do. I then need to pick myself up, ask God for strength and start the healing process.
       Now, this part is the part I have issues with...what battle is it that i'm referring to? Funny isn't it that I've written blogs that hint at it, that give you an idea of what i'm going through but really I've been skating around the truth. It hurts. It breaks my heart every time I say it but in order for me to begin my healing process I HAVE to talk about it... acknowledge that it IS my life now and there is nothing for me to be ashamed about. Divorce. The death of my dreams, of my future, of what I imagined my life would be. The death of my family, of my marriage.
       Now that it's out there I can tell you the most important thing I've learned from reading Kelle's book. She made me realize that although it feels like a punch to the gut, like my world has been shattered, like some days I just can NOT make it...my life, OUR lives, mine and my girls life together, it is not over. Life will go on. Trials in our life are what shape us, mold us. Hard times, gut wrenching, heart breaking moments in our lives are what we need in order to realize just how strong we really are. I can, I will and I am making it through this. And even more, I will make it though gracefully.

"We may shine, we may shatter,

We may be picking up the pieces here on after.

We are fragile, we are human,

And we are shaped by the light we let through us.

We break fast, cause we are glass"