Letter of Love

My dearest Lily Belle,
     On July 21st, 2011, (exactly one year ago today) your father, Grandmama, Auntie Bethany and I all went to watch big sister Camille at her gymnastics class. At the end of the class your Auntie snapped a family picture of the three Wyatts and jokingly said, "This may be your last family picture before Lily arrives!" And you know what? She was absolutely right :) After the class we headed across the street to Guthries for dinner, and just a short time later (around 7:30 p.m) I started feeling like I might be in labor. I tried to ignore it but your Grandmama and Auntie insisted I go to the hospital. So, still feeling skeptical (and also a little grouchy that I had to leave my food), we hightailed it to the hospital. Around 8:30 that night I was in full blown labor...and baby girl, let me tell ya, those contractions were no joking matter. Your big sissy came by to see me before she went to bed and I can't tell you how ECSTATIC I was when I finally got to tell her, "Your little sister is on her way!!!" I labored all through the night and into the next morning. I was so exhausted and I remember thinking, "This child is so stubborn, I just don't think she's coming." But, lo and behold, at 5:18 a.m. you made your grand debut.
     A kinda fun tradition we've started in our family is guessing the exact due date, weight and height every time someone is having a baby. I predicted you would be here on July 22nd, months before hand. And even though I was only 39 weeks pregnant, two days before you arrived I specifically said, "This baby will be here by Friday, I just know it." Of course, like always, Mama was right ;) I also guessed your exact height and was only off on your weight by two ounces. I knew you, baby girl, before I even met you.
     There are no words to describe how I felt the first time I laid eyes on you. I was in awe and in complete euphoria...here was this miracle that had been growing inside me for the past nine months. This blonde haired, blue eyed, pouty lipped girl belonged to ME. I had waited and longed to hold you for so long and to be able to kiss your soft skin and smell your sweet baby scent...it was magical, almost unreal.
     It's unbelievable how fast time flies by. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that you are turning one. You are such an incredible little person. You are so feisty, strong willed, sassy and FUNNY. Girlfriend, you have one amazing sense of humor. God knew I not only wanted you but that I also needed you.

     Being Mommy to you and your sister is my biggest joy in life. This is what I was created to do...to love you, to nurture you, to teach you. Happy birthday, my sweet gift from God.

Holy Headache

       Oh, motherhood...today I feel as if, to put it simply, you hate me. No, you LOATHE me. Thank you so much for the toilet water mess, and thank you even more for that lack of sleep stunt last night. Should I even bring up the leap off of the high chair, or the dive out of the tub? How about that tumble down the stairs or oh yes, the "pee on mommy" incident. I've heard my name (Mama, not Jessica) called, yelled, screamed and whined out approximately one hundred and seventy three times. And to bring it all home, I had three students who needed tutoring somewhere in the midst of all the madness.The crazy part is that I wouldn't want to be any where else...you can offer me the Bahama's or a million bucks, but if I can't have my insane, crazy, sassy terrible two-some (otherwise known as "my daughters")  then you can forget it. I finally understand what unconditional love looks like and my gosh, I've never seen anything so beautiful.

Walking

My Lily Belle started walking this week. July 10th, at eleven months, that little rascal took two steps. The next day she took two more. In ten days she will be ONE and I can not wrap my head around it. It feels like just yesterday I gave birth to that beautiful blonde babe. Words can not describe how happy I am to be her mother. I know God makes every person unique but I had no idea how true that was until I had her. I thought she would be just like her sister in so many ways, I thought I knew what to expect... Lord have mercy, that baby girl has proved me wrong. And I LOVE every minute of it :)

Pity Party

       I am a writer. Writing is an outlet, a form of expression, a way to somewhat sort through all the thoughts racing around in my head. Sometimes I start a new post, feeling the need to write, but not knowing exactly what I want to write about. This is one of those posts. Let me start by saying life has been giving me a beat down lately, and im trying desperately not to tap out. I feel like every time I write on here it's when I am feeling encouraged, motivated. Today I am discouraged and I am not going to pretend otherwise.
       I didn't sign up for this whole "single mom" thing...it's crap and i'm pissed about it. I don't want to do this alone, I don't want to figure out this intense hell of a ride called parenting by myself. I signed up for the rocking chairs on the front porch when I am 70 years old, I signed up for the years of figuring out life with the love of my life. I realize I sound bitter, but man, it gets hard trying to always seem optimistic.
       I am hopeful, I know my girls and I have a bright future ahead of us. But the now is so hard...it's intense, it's brutal and it's taking its toll on me. People always say you realize your own strength when you're going through something like this...I have to wholeheartedly agree. I have no idea how I pick myself up emotionally, day after day, raise my two children AND keep my sanity all at the same time. It has to be the relentless prayers I send up. Speaking of which, it's time to bring this rant to an end and get ready for church.   Whoever stuck with me through this, thank you. I realize I just threw a pity party for myself but good gosh, I needed it.