I started to feel it tonight...that old familiar feeling. I could feel my walls starting to crumble. Those strong walls that life has forced me to put up. The walls that protect me and my children. It was one of those nights that you take a good look at your life and realize you've just been going through the motions, so afraid to feel that you're not even really living. FEAR. It's everywhere: I'm afraid of not being strong enough for my girls. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of being a single mother. I'm afraid of uncertainty. And i've been so preoccupied with keeping those walls up that i've let fear take over every aspect of my life. It's not a good feeling.

I want to take this situation and turn it into something beautiful. Granted, it's not ideal but it's reality...I can take it and show my girls how to be strong, how to handle difficulty with grace and composure. We can't always choose what happens in our lives but we can choose how we react.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

Simple Things

Oh my gosh, it's the simple things that get us through this roller coaster called life. My 7 month old sitting on a blanket in the grass and being completely amazed with nature. My four year old dancing like a mad woman, singing her little made up songs. A starbucks caramel frappucino on those insanely stressful days. A full moon and cool breeze on a gorgeous night. A good run on a back trail through the woods. Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones (and a smart friend who catches things I miss ;)). Watching my girls hug and love on each other. Lily's laughter. Camille's kisses and words of encouragement...it may seem small but "I love you Momma" can carry you through the hardest of times. A stranger telling me how beautiful my little family is. A meaningful message from Pastor Fred that touches a place you didn't even realize needed touching. It's amazing how these seemingly insignificant things are what drive us. I'm just so thankful each and every day for having so many blessings, so many "little" things. Life is such an amazing gift...and I feel so incredibly fortunate to be able to say, in the middle of the biggest trial of my life, how grateful I am for every minute of every day. LIFE IS GOOD. So, so good.

My first born is FOUR. It's so surreal to say that. Since the day she was born life has seemingly flown by, and now here we are, celebrating her fourth birthday and she'll be starting kindergarten next year.

To say i'm proud of my little Camille would be an understatement. She is caring, funny, witty, generous, outgoing, considerate, thoughtful, sassy, strong, smart and so so incredibly beautiful. She's the most wonderful big "sissy" to Lily, always taking care of her and loving on her. She has a huge heart and I am certain she is going to do amazing things in her life. I saw a friend from high school out the other night and was bragging on my kids and when I was talking about Camille she just smiled and said, "I know, she saved your life didn't she?" And while yes, God is really the one responsible for saving me, He definitely used that little girl as the vessel to do so. From the second I saw her, everything changed. My life was no longer about me, it was all about that little life that depended on me. The carefree (careless is probably more accurate) life I had been living was no longer an option. So yes, Kaley, what you said about her saving my life is more accurate than you know. Who knows where I be if that little girl hadn't come into my life and shaken it up the way kids tend to do. I know I didn't deserve such a divine intervention but grace is an amazing thing... and it was nothing short of grace that brought me my Camille. It was God reaching out and saying "You need a reason to change? You want Me to reveal Myself to you? Here." I am so blessed. And i'm reminded of just how blessed I am every time I look at my little girls.