Pity Party

       I am a writer. Writing is an outlet, a form of expression, a way to somewhat sort through all the thoughts racing around in my head. Sometimes I start a new post, feeling the need to write, but not knowing exactly what I want to write about. This is one of those posts. Let me start by saying life has been giving me a beat down lately, and im trying desperately not to tap out. I feel like every time I write on here it's when I am feeling encouraged, motivated. Today I am discouraged and I am not going to pretend otherwise.
       I didn't sign up for this whole "single mom" thing...it's crap and i'm pissed about it. I don't want to do this alone, I don't want to figure out this intense hell of a ride called parenting by myself. I signed up for the rocking chairs on the front porch when I am 70 years old, I signed up for the years of figuring out life with the love of my life. I realize I sound bitter, but man, it gets hard trying to always seem optimistic.
       I am hopeful, I know my girls and I have a bright future ahead of us. But the now is so hard...it's intense, it's brutal and it's taking its toll on me. People always say you realize your own strength when you're going through something like this...I have to wholeheartedly agree. I have no idea how I pick myself up emotionally, day after day, raise my two children AND keep my sanity all at the same time. It has to be the relentless prayers I send up. Speaking of which, it's time to bring this rant to an end and get ready for church.   Whoever stuck with me through this, thank you. I realize I just threw a pity party for myself but good gosh, I needed it.